Monday, 16 April 2007

In Vain...

i woke up last sunday 8th april @ 12pm and headed straight to studio to finish my work for my portfolio review. we were suppose to submit it on the 10th for our lecturers' assessments. after finish ammending my drawings, i opened my photoshop tuesday morning (the day we were supposed to submit). it was 5 am... and then the moment i tried to open my drawing in photoshop, the computer got stuck that i had to restart. then the same thing happened again whenever i tried to use the photoshop. after some 10 reboots, i got fed-up and decided that i should just submit in black and white first and thought that i'd pin the coloured ones after the assessment.
so from sunday to tuesday, i only managed a 1hr nap twice. that tuesday night, i could stay home and get the rest i need but then, i need to use someone else's computer that night. so that night, i knew that most of the students would probably be sleeping so i took that opportunity to borrow my friend's computer for the night to colour my drawings in photoshop. her computer has a 2gb ram that when i want to save a 100mb photoshop file, i haven't even start to blink, it already finished saving. so i did my work up to 3am. i slept by 4am until 12pm the next day.
the very next day, new project starts. this project was a group work. the submission was due friday. and i was in charge of the presentation board. and i also had my part to do the research on. also, on that day, i had to go to my old office to print my individual presentation boards. i did my work as far as i could manage and at 6pm i left for my office. by the time i was done, it was already 9pm. so i went back to the studio and finished up my group work.
i didn't sleep up to thursday. only a few 30-min naps. and today was the portfolio review. it's actually like an exam for us with all the lecturers from architecture department assessing our individual works. this is when the descision whether you fail or not is made. usually with my effort, i would get a pass... but since the Lembaga Akitek Malaysia is coming for accreditation so my effort, just like how my last batch did, is not enough. they had to be strict this year because our faculty needed to maintain that accreditation. it is very important for us. no accreditation means no part2 and that means no architect. so we all got a scold from all the lecturers saying that our work is not enough to earn that accreditation...
somehow, i felt... despite my lack of sleeping and resting... despite my endless efforts... i felt that my efforts was in vain... everytime i try to work and forget the past, i just simply can't stop thinking about how much efforts i've put into my work and i get no credits out of it. at one moment, i felt like giving up. i felt like taking a break for a few years before coming back for 4th year (that if i graduate). all through my 4 years here... i've lived with uncertainty. there are no right or wrong, black or white in architecture. they're all very subjective... and i'm not doing it for the heck for doing it. i'm doing it because i'm living my passion but somehow i think my lecturers are making a hell out of it... sometimes they made me wonder to the point where i don't know what i want anymore. they're lecturers, for heaven's sake! aren't they suppose to encourage students? not discourage or demotivates them?
i don't know what i or other students, who felt the same, should do... right now, i just so so wish i would make it through. if i flunk this again... then i really don't know what will become of me... just a few months ago it was all clear to me... gosh, how i wish i could still see as clearly now. i've never been so worried about my future so much and yet, i'm writing a blog. i guess there's a bit of contradiction but like i said in my first blog, when i have to let it out, i have to let it out! just a little advice...
know what you want and go for it! despite whether it's in vain or not, it's a different story... the most important thing is that you do your best.
i wish i could force myself to say that from the heart :\

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